Jim's Wake Up Message

Sound from Jim's AOL interview

 

This is the phone message I recently got.

 

It ain't all fun and games

So, I've been absent for awhile, not that anyone's noticed, I'm sure. Busy doesn't even begin to describe it.

I'm back in my lobernate mode. Someone recently pointed out to me that just because I stay indoors in the summer to avoid the heat, does not mean that I'm actually doing the opposite of what bears do in the winter, justifying my little play on word. But I like my made-up word, lobernate, so I still use it. I am finding that since losing some weight, or since growing older; or maybe it's a bit of both - anyway, I'm somewhat more tolerant of heat than I used to be. Still can't take the sunshine, though, so it's a summer indoors for me.

I need a life. That's such a cliche, but it's also so very true. I spend all day during the week at work, and when I come home, I work some more. On the weekends, I work. Of course, the fact that I have no money to play might have something to do with this. All I can afford to do is watch television (and nothing you have to pay for!) or read. I've been to all the free museums and can't afford the ones you pay for. I'll have to save up and splurge to see The X-Files in July. Ack! How did I get in this predicament?!?!?!?

This being a very disjointed post, it's pretty obvious that I'm posting for the sake of posting. So I think I'll sign off and stop imposing my rambling on the unsuspecting Internet public.

Somebody told me...

...to update my blog. So here I am.

She's right, though. I really need to get back into real life, in all it's aspects.

The major project at work is done. It's installed and up and running. I was telling my boss today that, while I know realistically that the transition period is going to be more stressful than all eleven years that I've supported the old system put together, there was still some part of me that expected all that stress to just roll off me when the new system was put in place.

But people are creatures of habit. They came to me for every problem or question on the old system and now they do the same with the new system. Only because it is new, they have many, many more questions and problems. I really need to start deflecting to other members of the implementation team before I get locked into the same old rut.

On to more pleasant things. I need to decide what to do about vacation this year. Part of me is pondering a vacation WITHOUT the SO. As much as I love travelling with him, part of me wants to get off by myself and just chill. The SO is one of those people who insist on death marches of shopping or other activities whenever travelling, followed by nightclubbing until the not-so-wee hours. Which means I invariably need a few days to rest from my vacation whenever I get back from my vacation. The only reason I survived the cruise last summer is that he was recuperating from surgery and was forced to take things easy.

I'm pondering Vermont in June. Or maybe Maine. I love the seashore, but only when it's cold.

Any thoughts? Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?

The Deep End of Tired

The holiday season is officially here.

There was a time when I was a real Christmas nut. I've never been big on Thanksgiving. It was always nice to get that day off from school or work, but I don't think my German mother ever quite "got" Thanksgiving, so while we did the obligatory big feed, it wasn't a big deal.

Christmas, on the other hand, was HUGE.

And of all the things I miss, I think I miss that the most.

I miss the four weeks of Advent, gathered each Sunday around the wreath and lighting a candle.

I miss Advent calenders, with a lovely or delicious little treat hidden behind a door each day.

I miss wondering where mom hid all the presents this year.

I miss putting my shoes out on St. Nicholas Eve, with a letter tucked inside telling Santa what I want for Christmas. And I miss waking up in the morning finding the shoes stuffed with little toys and goodies. It's amazing how often that continued to work - even into my 40s.

I miss the tree, with it's twinkling little lights and special toys and ornaments, and the old star that we never let mom replace, no matter how much prettier and brighter the newer ones where. I miss the cookies and candies that we hung on the tree - as long as they lasted. And, on special evenings, we would turn off the electric lights and light the candles on the tree. Just for a short time, and always taking great care. But if you've never seen a tree lit with real candles, you have truly missed something special. I miss it, a lot.

I miss the Christmas music. The SO tells me that all those German Christmas songs remind him more of a funeral dirge than a Christmas song. I guess it loses something in the translation. To me they sound like snow and beautiful cold winter mornings and family days spent in the warmth of my mother's love.

I miss the interminable wait on Christmas morning when we weren't allowed to open any presents until the whole family gathered in the living room. Fortunately, Santa doesn't wrap presents, so we had something to play with while Dad slept!

I miss helping mom put the garland up, and hanging the Christmas cards, and decorating the tree. I miss the Christmas village that grew bigger every year, but now sits packed away in a box.

I helped the SO put up garland in his living room today. His decorations are very elaborate and elegant. They all coordinate together beautifully. They don't hold the same joy and sentiment as mom's odd collection of mismatched ornaments, knick-knacks and kitsch. This evening was just another chore.

Maybe in a few years I'll find a way to rekindle my love of Christmas. I hope so. I miss it.

I know – that most people are basically good.
I believe – in the existence of a higher being who created the world and the universe.
I fought – with my brother when we were kids
I am angered – by stupidity
I love – my significant other, my mother, my brother, my nephew and my friends
I need – more time in my day
I take – to much upon myself because it's just easier to do it myself than to try and teach someone else
I hear – music in my head, almost all the time.
I drink – way too much Coca-Cola
I hate – calling people I don't know
I use – weekends to catch up on sleep
I want – a family
I decided – never to stop learning new things
I like – watching water
I feel – like there's no real purpose to my life.
I wear – pants all the time. I almost never where a dress or skirt.
I left – my Radio Flyer little red wagon in Edgewood Maryland, behind Ryder court. We were moving and we couldn't find it anywhere. It was very traumatic. I was five years old.
I do – too much for other people and not enough for myself
I hope – to go back to Europe someday
I dream – very, very bizarre dreams
I drive – a Kia Spectra hatchback
I listen – to the ocean surf whenever I can. It's the only thing that truly relaxes me.
I type – everything. I hate to write longhand.
I think – about things too much. I overanalyze.
I need - a vacation
I wish – I had grown up thin.
I am - content with my life.
I compensate – for my lack of a social life by working to much
I regret – not telling my mother more often how much I loved her.
I care – for people more than I usually let them know
I should – exercise more
I am not always - tactful
I said – I would take a train trip back to Washington State someday
I wonder – Where does the term meme come from? Is it terribly self-centered - as in me - me?
I changed – my haircolor last week, again.
I cry – only in private, when I am alone.
I am not – vain about my looks.
I lose – my voice when I get really angry
I leave – For New York and Halifax in two weeks!

Countdown to Oblivion

In exactly two weeks from today, I will be on my way to my first vacation in 10 years.

I've taken long weekends here and there, but this is the first "real" vacation - a full ten days, complete with a nice cruise - since 1996.

I do hope this one goes more smoothly.

Not that the last one wasn't fun. And whatever snafus there were, that's not the reason I haven't vacated in so long.

What concerns me is, do I even know how to do this?

I need to relax. I really do. I used to be the most laid back, easy going person you could want to meet. Nothing bothered me. Now I find myself stressed out and depressed by turns.

How do you shut your mind down? How do you let go?

If I'd had kids, I think I would have been one of those moms that hauls the kids to some place new every summer, dragging them to some cultural tour or educational site instead of just letting them chill. I'm the type that needs to plan vacations. I need to study the destination, plan where to go, what to see and even where to eat. I try to make sure that everyone else has a great time, while I stress out over the whole thing. My mother raised a worrier. And she was always terrific at anything she did.

There are two really good things about this vacation. 1) It's a cruise. There's really not that much planning you can do once you've booked your cabin. We'll take one shore excursion, but other than making sure we get back on the boat, I don't really have to worry that much about the daily agenda. 2) The SO will be recuperating from surgery. Now, to the uninitiated, this would not seem to be a good thing. Except that it means that he'll *have* to take things easy. Not too much walking around, nothing strenuous. So the usual vacation March of Death from one Attraction to the next is decidedly O-U-T. I can't really plan anything, because we won't know until we get there just how much he'll be able to manage. So we'll just have to wing it and take things as they come.

I'm taking the laptop. And a book on Oracle PL/SQL. That should be relaxing...

Competitive Edginess

I am terribly competitive. I'm not sure why. And I guess I really don't care why. But it always amazes me when I do something that makes me realize it. I think of myself as the shy, retiring type, not wanting to draw attention to myself.

Until I'm in a class. I'm totally driven to solve the problems first, answer the questions first and generally outshine everyone. Think a nearly 50-year-old Hermione Granger.

Fortunately, I don't take enough classes for it to be a real problem. And while there are vestiges of it in other aspects of my life (you don't want to play Trivial Pursuit with me), as long as it doesn't spread any further, I'm content not to worry about it.

In case you haven't guessed it, I took a class today. At one point, I nearly had to physically restrain myself from shooting my hand up in the air when the instructor asked a question. At my age, it would have really been juvenile.

At least I didn't have to stay after school.