Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Deep End of Tired

The holiday season is officially here.

There was a time when I was a real Christmas nut. I've never been big on Thanksgiving. It was always nice to get that day off from school or work, but I don't think my German mother ever quite "got" Thanksgiving, so while we did the obligatory big feed, it wasn't a big deal.

Christmas, on the other hand, was HUGE.

And of all the things I miss, I think I miss that the most.

I miss the four weeks of Advent, gathered each Sunday around the wreath and lighting a candle.

I miss Advent calenders, with a lovely or delicious little treat hidden behind a door each day.

I miss wondering where mom hid all the presents this year.

I miss putting my shoes out on St. Nicholas Eve, with a letter tucked inside telling Santa what I want for Christmas. And I miss waking up in the morning finding the shoes stuffed with little toys and goodies. It's amazing how often that continued to work - even into my 40s.

I miss the tree, with it's twinkling little lights and special toys and ornaments, and the old star that we never let mom replace, no matter how much prettier and brighter the newer ones where. I miss the cookies and candies that we hung on the tree - as long as they lasted. And, on special evenings, we would turn off the electric lights and light the candles on the tree. Just for a short time, and always taking great care. But if you've never seen a tree lit with real candles, you have truly missed something special. I miss it, a lot.

I miss the Christmas music. The SO tells me that all those German Christmas songs remind him more of a funeral dirge than a Christmas song. I guess it loses something in the translation. To me they sound like snow and beautiful cold winter mornings and family days spent in the warmth of my mother's love.

I miss the interminable wait on Christmas morning when we weren't allowed to open any presents until the whole family gathered in the living room. Fortunately, Santa doesn't wrap presents, so we had something to play with while Dad slept!

I miss helping mom put the garland up, and hanging the Christmas cards, and decorating the tree. I miss the Christmas village that grew bigger every year, but now sits packed away in a box.

I helped the SO put up garland in his living room today. His decorations are very elaborate and elegant. They all coordinate together beautifully. They don't hold the same joy and sentiment as mom's odd collection of mismatched ornaments, knick-knacks and kitsch. This evening was just another chore.

Maybe in a few years I'll find a way to rekindle my love of Christmas. I hope so. I miss it.